Trance Fixed Daze

Ferris Wheel
Originally uploaded by Andrew Curtis

Slackened limbs, heightened senses. A little weak but there’s a strange strength in that … isn’t there? Feeling so much while somewhat defenseless. A bravery to simple consciousness. Sleep always so close; held just at bay. I want to - and yet

I put off reaching for it. Which frightens me more - my dreams or consciousness? Which am I resisting when I resist?

Arduous eye movement across the surface of almost. Almost. Sort of but not quite failure or success. I fall short and shy in defining either of those with my life. Almost. Not quite. Feeling everything a little bit more in a tired body a tired body - lengthening space between shoulder blades - my collar bone bows like a bent crown crooked across my heart. The odd numbered lobes of my lungs put wind behind my sail-less bones - bone a bit more pronounced. The whole form pronouncing - speaking - saying something - shaking a little in the communication. The words - out between nerves like the electrical-hot charged fluid carrying messages there. Most aware of heeding those directives when it’s hardest to. Obedience to the involuntary flow of my own body is not obedience. I do not choose or submit. I am helplessly alive. My breath chooses me.

It makes sense that certain people fall in love with ruins. After the music, I could sit here in silence all day. I can’t see out the window because I’ve hung a bamboo curtain there. Between each stick, light squeezes through like a cat gone boneless and sleek for a tight escape. From where to where and why in my direction does the light escape ? From what? I stare at it until it begins to flash with that strange wavering energy of weakness. Optical illusion. The flashing or me. My eyes play tricks. I am their toy.

I am wanting to absorb it - the wavelength's gnashing - I will have to if I am to get anywhere today.